Are you inherently a “yes” person or a “no” person? That’s the question my dear friend Shonda Rhimes, (you know, Hollywood’s most powerful woman, the mega-talented creator and producer of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, and owner of all things Thursday night) has me thinking about lately. Now she doesn’t know she’s my dear friend, but I’m reading her 2015 New York Times bestseller Year of YES, and since she’s dared to write a book in such an authentic, relatable, girl-next-door way, she is unwittingly, but most definitely my new best friend. In 2013 when her sister muttered the words “You never say yes to anything,” introverted Shonda woke up and began to consciously say yes to scary things that she otherwise avoided—a commencement speech at Dartmouth, appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live, her health, and playing with her children any time they asked to name a few. Making a conscious choice to say yes to things she’d routinely said no to created breakthrough after breakthrough for Shonda and those around her. So, on this January morning as I packed my bags to leave icy Pennsylvania for equally-cold Chicago (where my new best friend Shonda just so happened to be raised), I gave myself a challenge. To say YES to things I’d typically avoid. I said yes to getting up earlier than I had to for my trip to the airport—and had time to catch a great podcast on life purpose. I said yes to actually holding a conversation with my shuttle driver. (Morning conversation is not my thing.) In return, I got his compelling life’s story, worthy of being featured in my next book. In gratitude he gifted me his umbrella when he learned I hadn’t brought one and might need one. I said yes to listening instead of talking-- and got my Uber driver’s fascinating life story about the war-torn life he left behind to make roots in Chicago and what it was like to move to a country where you didn’t speak the language. I said yes to spontaneity over hibernating in my hotel room and scored a last minute ticket to Hamilton at the box office! Here in 2018, I’ve decided to pause before taking action and rethink my typical “no” reflex. Where is “no” a reflex for you? Join me and others in saying yes to things that don’t come easy. My airplane seatmate told me she says yes to guilt-free in-flight naps. My friend is saying yes to tackling cluttered spaces in her home—closets, kitchen cabinets, the pantry. My client is saying yes to fewer meetings on her calendar, making room for more think time and time out of the office. An exec I know is even saying yes to scary green kale breakfast drinks to boost her health! I’m saying yes to me more this year. My empty nest is a luxury to treat myself to things I need or want. Just yesterday I started by saying yes to some new throw pillows and a sponge holder for my kitchen sink (yep, call me crazy!) Saying yes can be our own personal 3-lettered superpower. Shonda’s online network encouraged her to “power pose like superwoman” when she needed courage. “Power posing like Wonder Woman is when you stand up like a badass—legs in a wide stance, chin up, hands on your hips. Like you own the place. Like you have on magical silver bracelets and know how to use them. Like your superhero cape is flapping in the wind behind you.” Go ahead. Assume your power pose and complete this sentence… This year I will say yes to__________________________. According to my new BFF, “every yes will change something in you. Every yes is a transformation. Every yes sparks some new phase of evolution. “ I’d love to hear what happens for you!!

“How did it go?” everyone asks. Truth is, I’m not sure. It was somewhat an outer body experience to take the red carpet on November 2 in front of a sold out theater and live streamed worldwide audience. Cameras poised to capture these 8 minutes that could live on forever. What I do know for sure is it didn’t go as expected or planned--from issues uploading my demo video, fog machine controversy, an unexpected flurry of competing priorities, and 2 disorienting weeks leading up to the talk. Instead of practicing my talk, I found myself sitting quietly by my 97-year-old grandma’s bedside for a week as she made her peaceful transition “home.” Instead of nailing down what I’d wear on the TEDx stage, I was dressing for the service to mark this inspirational lady’s life. Instead of practicing my talk in front of my TEDx notes wall at home, I was delivering a eulogy. My preparation time and plans were being disrupted at every turn. So, you could say I was living the topic of my talk—uncertainty and a whole lot of a fog. I was also experiencing the emotions that come with it—fear, worry, and anxiety. But it reminded me why I wanted to give this talk in the first place—because life is uncertain, and we have no choice but to navigate it. At the dry run, one impressive, experienced speaker after another took that stage. We took turns struggling through our talks and supporting each other. We were strangers sharing 2 common bonds—a major case of nervous energy and important messages to share. And the next day, we did. We prevailed. So, back to my original question, how did it go? Well, the first person to greet me when I left the stage asked if she could hug me. I panicked. Was it that bad? Then she whispered in my ear, “I’m in the midst a big life transition, and your message was just what I needed to hear right now.” And with that, I hugged her back and smiled at the red carpet for giving me the space to help others find their way in uncertainty and fog, while navigating my own.

This phase of the process finds me juggling uncertainty. Someone should really write a book about that or do a talk on that topic. Ah, ironically, I am! I had a plan. I had lined up days to work on shortening my talk, writing this blog and doing a video run-through. But the phone rang several times, and instead, I found myself heading back home to help my parents arrange hospice for my 97-year-old grandmother, working out kinks in my book production, and throwing plans out the window. You might say some fog rolled in. Since then, I’ve gotten busy whittling away at my talk content. It had to be shortened. So, I told myself I was a sculptor, taking away pieces of clay to unveil a work of art yet to be revealed. I tried portions of it out on a life audience and learned what didn’t work. I crossed out, moved content, and morphed it into a very different version of itself. I recorded this new version on my phone to see what didn’t feel natural or where I stumbled. I made more adjustments. And I began to relax a bit. No doubt, refining will continue as I try to dance this talk in under the 8-minute limbo bar. I also attended the PA Women’s Conference in Philadelphia and had the thrill of hearing Brene Brown, Michelle Obama, Shawn Achor, and Shonda Rhimes speak. I paid attention differently. Why did I really connect with Brene? How did a former First Lady manage to be so credible and yet feel like my BFF at the same time? How did Shawn infuse humor so beautifully into his speech? And where did Shonda get that dress? I came home both daunted and inspired. It was time to practice. So, I divided my speech into segments. I then increased the font size on my Word document and printed each segment. I taped them to the wall because I’m very visual and will benefit from this visual roadmap, especially since I’m not using Powerpoints to guide me. I then dragged a round brown carpet into my living room and rolled video—realizing that in less than a month, that carpet will be red!

With my youngest son leaving the nest and heading to college in August, it seemed like a brilliant move on my part to accept the invitation to do a TEDx Wilmington talk in November. After all, it would provide a challenge and new focus for me in his absence. Little did I realize that the honor of doing a TEDx talk would be pushing me out of my nest—my comfort zone. I’ve spoken in front of audiences my entire career. But, like my son, who is preparing to explore new terrain, so am I—such as making a meaningful impact in just 8 minutes! And then, just like that, some cocoon full of butterflies let loose in my stomach, and I realized they were NOT flying in formation just yet. How could the idea of a little 8-minute talk have unleashed them? And what was I thinking when I decided to talk about Transition Fog while I was in my own transition fog? This ranked right up there with deciding to talk about stage fright (while simultaneously experiencing it) in front of my college freshmen Speech classmates. But, what a great opportunity to live my message. Remembering that fear and excitement co-exist when trying something new. That the anticipation is often far worse than the reality. That fear is best contained by focusing on the here and now. And that all great feats happen one step at a time. I’ve written a book one letter and one word at a time. This was no different. So I just got started. Buy and read Ted Talks. Check. Create title. Check. Put deadlines on calendar. Small wins. Big checkmarks. Send headshot. Easy one. Reach out to coach. Check. Don’t compare self to others. Harder. Write this blog. Another check. Use passion as my fuel-- be authentically me. Ah, yes. And then the butterflies, who are born from their own soupy cocoon homes, started to settle down. Are they flying in formation? Nah. I mean, butterflies don’t really do that, do they? Instead, they burst forth from their dark cocoons of comfort, transformed. And birds leaving their nests for the first time can be a bit tentative, but they do fly. On November 2, let’s spread our wings and explore a world of exciting ideas worth spreading--like Navigating Transition Fog. There’s simply no shortage of opportunity to practice this art of dealing with uncertainty. (But if you are experiencing a shortage —you may want to apply to do a TEDx talk!)

Been in a heads down mode---working on my upcoming book, card product, client work, and preparing to launch my youngest son to college. Long hours. No time for a new blog. No time for complete sentences. Short of breath. The phone rings. The message—Mom’s been hospitalized with heart issues. It was time to drop everything and go. And so I did. To complicate matters more, mom is the majority caregiver for my 97-year-old grandmother. So not only did we need to take care of mom, but we also had to take care of Grandma. Grandma’s a sweet soul with a feisty spirit that keeps her ticking. Her body is fairly healthy. Her mind is unpredictable. Much of the time, she’s unaware. So we hoped she wouldn’t notice when my sister, Barb, and I showed up to take care of her. Total and complete rookies walking into uncertainty. So, we started with dinner and then we tackled showering her—a grand feat best done by a Powerlifter with eight arms. It exhausted all three of us. We dressed her in comfy PJs and had just sat down to relish in our progress, when Grandma’s dinner burst on the scene for a second time. It came up—and up and up, gracing her PJs and making quite a mess. So it was time for round two--undressing, cleaning, and redressing Grandma. It was beginning to feel like we were starring in an episode of Lucy and Ethel take care of Grandma. Still a bit frazzled and counting down to bedtime, Barb began to entertain Grandma by coloring a page from an adult coloring book, letting Grandma choose the colors. Grandma eyed the page carefully. And then in a moment of clarity, she pointed to the saying on the page and read “Remember to take a deep breath.” Her gaze met our surprised faces. And she smiled. Sometimes the messages we need to hear come from unexpected sources. So listen. Uncertainty and clarity can co-exist. So don’t give up. When there is no instruction book, just breathe! ​​ (Update: Mom’s doing well. And Grandma’s already forgotten we were ever there. But we’ll cherish the memory forever.)

There’s something in the air. Things are moving. Flick on the TV and you hear it. Open up the newspaper and you see it. Literally, leaders have moved in and out of the White House, throngs of people are marching and moving. Hurricanes, snow storms and strong winds are whipping across the land. Even if you are firmly entrenched in your lazy boy watching from afar, trust me, you are part of a movement. There is a shift in our midst from “what was” to “what will be”. But on the road from “what was” to “what will be” is this place called uncertainty. And uncertainty brings with it a major question… “NOW WHAT?” Uncertainty stirs up a lot of emotion, and we want to rush through it as quickly as possible. But I invite you to linger in the “now what?” just long enough to do it justice. When we replace our fear of uncertainty with wonder and curiosity about what’s unfolding, “now what’s?” become “why not’s?” Consider your options. You can put your head in the sand, panic, declare powerlessness, get stuck in the past, or worry about the future. Or you can see this unsettled state as the opportunity that it can be. Yes, an opportunity – to reflect, gather information, connect with others, get creative, and think about new opportunities. Uncertainty wakes us up. It creates a new awareness. That awareness leads us to choice. Our choices will bring about change. We always have a choice. We have choice at the global level, the national level, the local level, and the personal level. We have choice in the workplace and with our teams. We have choice on the home front and in our individual lives. Where are you asking “now what?” What will you do with your “now what?” What choices will you make? In 2015, I engaged some experts to help me figure out my “now what?” and next business moves. One of the questions they posed was “what tailwinds do you see for your work in a couple of years?” I replied, “I see a shift coming. I see a future where people will need to be more open and reflective. They will be asking themselves how to make a difference, how to create less separation, and how to make collaboration as important as competition.” I think that time is now. Are you experiencing a transition at work or home? What are the circumstances? Are you struggling with uncertainty? Does it seem to have a hold on you? What “now what?” circumstances could be inviting you to a “why not?” move? Much more to come…stay with me.

It wasn’t only CNN. There appeared to be a messy debate going on in my walk-in closet too! Yes, my clothes closet. My itty-bitty sized skirts and pants of years gone by were jostling for position with the clothes that mostly fit me today. My Old Navy shirts were competing with my prized Nordstrom dresses. My yoga pants were mocking my suit jackets. It was like a raging debate over “who is Brenda now?” Flip flops and pumps were vying for space on the closet floor in the same way our Presidential hopefuls vie for space on that small political stage. Temperamental towers of sweaters threatened to topple over. Scarves struggled to find their rightful place on hangers and shelves. Much like the American people’s frustration that we aren’t seeing better Presidential options, I too was struggling over finding good wardrobe options in the midst of my closet mayhem. The fact was the same clothes kept stepping to the podium again and again, even though my closet was filled with candidates I had voted for with my credit card years ago. Better candidates were obscured by this chaos. And, it was becoming apparent that I couldn’t make my closet “great again” if I didn’t face this down and bring some new order to it. I mean, while I couldn’t affect change in our Presidential options, there WAS hope for the closet of which I was President and needed to take some accountability. As of today, I have achieved a type of world peace—peace to my wardrobe world, that is! Here are some tips I used to achieve wardrobe world peace. (They double as tips for our Presidential hopefuls for future debates as well.) May these tips help you navigate whatever messy and uncertain situation you are facing and electing to do something about (even if it’s simply getting through this political season.) Accept that things are what they are—imperfect. Be it candidates, my closet or your scenario, what matters most is that you figure out what you can control and get busy doing your part. Address the important questions. The questions that brought order to my closet debate may be the same questions you need to answer about your situation: “Does this still fit? Does this bring me satisfaction and joy? Is this what I need now or do I need something different?” Stick to the issues at hand. Don’t get stuck in the past. Let go of what no longer serves you. You can’t move forward while still clinging to the past. As hard as it was, those itty-bitty clothes of the past had to go to the donation pile. Letting go felt good. I beg our Presidential candidates to help us look to the future and less to the past too. What do you need to let go of? Remember that making positive change in one area can create temporary disarray in another. As my closet improved, my bedroom looked worse. Progress is the outcome, but the process can be messy. Don’t be surprised if your situation as well as the political process gets messier before getting better. Don’t forget about policy. I have a new closet policy. For each new item I purchase, an old one must go. What new policy might you need to put in place? What new policies do you want for our country’s future? Consider the impact of your actions on others. Cleaning up my closet mess helped others. Charitable organizations benefited from what I was willing to let go of. Who could benefit from your changes? I admit, of late I walk in to my closet just to experience this refreshing new order and soak it in. It’s like that feeling I get after the Presidential election when those yard signs come down and negative campaign ads disappear. I love that decluttering of the airwaves and lawns. Where is there a “debate” raging in work life or personal life that it’s finally time to pay attention to? What do you need to confront? What no longer fits? What new possibilities do you want to make room for? If there’s any way BKR Consulting can help, let me know. After all, we are “stronger together.” This blog was approved of by the committee for controlling what we can in uncertain times.

Embrace Change—Get Realigned As an under-confident and self-conscious teenager, I declined my parents’ offer to set me up with braces. Or if I’m more honest, I outright refused. I couldn’t bear the idea of having a metal smile adding to my self-image issues. I just wasn’t ready. I preferred my overbite. So, in my late 20’s I made the move. I encased my teeth in the barbed wire called braces, took on the pain of the metal–and the pain of the expense. Two years later, those wires produced the smile I always wanted and a partner! They came off right before a major turning point in my life—my wedding day. In the same way I thought my marriage would last, I also thought my perfect and beautiful smile would as well. I was wrong on both counts. My life shifted and evidently so did my teeth. My dentist recently confirmed it—my bite was off again, teeth were jostling for position in my mouth, and they would continue down this path unless I did something about it. I was “out of alignment” and this called for action. Invisalign seemed to be the answer. If you don’t know what Invisalign is, imagine wearing a mouth guard fitted just for you that you wear for 6 weeks at a time and continually replace over a period of months or years. It’s made of a clear plastic-like substance and snaps in and out of your mouth easily. (I think of them as my pre-dentures.) You’re required to wear them 22 hours a day, taking them out only long enough to eat, brush, and reinsert. Admittedly, I have not been in love with them this first week. But I do love the name…Invisalign. I am embarking on an invisible alignment. I feel both proud and uncomfortable. Here’s what my Invisalign is reminding me about change and the need to get realigned. Staying aligned requires constant care and action. I thought I had this handled a long time ago. I had done this already—this working on the teeth thing. Checked the box. Ya mean I had to do it again? Yes, the changes we need to make aren’t necessarily one-and-done. Unless I wanted my teeth to regress, I need to take new action. Change is painful. It’s not an excruciating pain but a dull ache. It’s tolerable and necessary, but uncomfortable. Slowly, my tongue is adjusting to the foreign plastic edges encroaching on its space. The grip of the mouthpiece is feeling more like a hug than a strangle-hold. My lips are making way for this intruder. My temporary lisp has subsided, and I’m reminded that the hardest part is committing to the change. It’s getting easier with time. Changes takes longer than we think. Dr. Vila/Carlos—my friend and dentist rolled up in one—read the treatment plan. “You should be done in 6 months, but” he added, “expect it to take longer.” Transitions take time, and we can’t always foresee exactly how much time. We simply get on with them and let the process unfold. Positive change goes hand-in-hand with getting more conscious. I can no longer unconsciously pop something into my mouth. I need to remove the Invisalign trays first, rinse them, set them aside, eat, brush, and re-insert. So now I’m forced to weigh each eating and drinking choice. Is it worth it? Do I need this snack? This change is overriding my auto-pilot for eating whatever I want whenever I want. I’m thinking more, but eating less and brushing more. Sometimes one change leads to other positive changes. Our misalignment may be invisible to others, but we know we need help. People say they didn’t notice my teeth shifting. They’re either being polite, or it wasn’t obvious yet. Either way, I knew things were out of alignment. We are the ones who know what we most need and when we are out of alignment. Fortunately, many realignments can be subtle, through means invisible to others. Change is ongoing. Just when I get comfortable wearing this Invisalign tray, I’ll get another one and begin a new adjustment period. It’s necessary in order for things to keep moving in the right direction. In time, I’ll be ready to graduate to a retainer. This cycle of discomfort to comfort and back to discomfort is how we improve over a lifetime. It ultimately yields favorable results. It’s important to take the long view. Times of change, realignment and discomfort often signal something big and new around the corner that we’re getting ready for. In my case, I can picture and feel my realigned smile. And I feel other shifts in my work and life happening that are quite exciting as well. May the same be true for you! Embrace the changes in front of you and get on the path to an invisible realignment!

The New Year is a time to set goals. Serious goals. The kind of goals with results you can track on spreadsheets, pie charts, and graphs. I said, serious goals. Like sales goals, customer satisfaction metrics, financial targets to meet in the coming year. Performance goals. Budgets. Weight loss goals. Exercise plans. The kinds of goals we can measure and proclaim success by. But, when did goals get so serious? Did you notice your brow furrowing at reading that list? Have you ever considered setting a goal for bringing more fun to work in the upcoming year? I’m not talking about humor as that feared Pandora’s Box unleashes fun at the expense of others. I’m talking about creating a culture that balance seriousness with levity, and exertion with recovery time. After all, millennial job seekers just wanna have fun. Just last week my son was comparing and contrasting his internship employer and current employer on that very scale—observing that a culture which encourages collegiality, levity and humor also leads to trust, productivity, and a wantingness to stay there. Talent simply won’t stick around in a sterile, mechanical, repressive culture. But don’t take his word for it. The Great Place to Work Institute’s 1-million person research study found that every year Fortune’s Top 100 organizations have more than 80% of their employees say they have fun at work. What would a survey of your team say? For kicks, I surveyed my own memory bank for “fun” times I could recall from my life as an employee or consultant. I once worked for a department that never had fun and they knew it…so they mandated it. Yep, it became an objective on the department’s strategy plan. And while that seemed a bit contradictory, it produced lunchtime knitting groups, excursions to ice creameries in the summer, and time for us to come out from our siloes. In other experiences, I remember squirt guns used to manage meeting participation in a light-hearted way so that everyone’s voice got heard, and a school district superintendent donning a crazy wig and addressing his team during an offsite meeting—and getting more respect at being a good sport than his otherwise 6’ 4” stature commanded daily. I can recall balloons being bounced through an auditorium full of nervous new hires during their long 3-day orientation to keep energy up. A workforce of existing staff lining the hallways to welcome their new hires with high-fives, clapping and smiles, creating a memory so meaningful that the ritual was repeated for their CEO when he retired. I could go on, but if you’re reading any of these and were a participant, chances are you’ve just smiled and felt momentarily lifted out of whatever reality you’re facing today. But “why bother?” you ask, as your brow furrows again. To name just a few serious reasons: The Harvard Business Review found that executives with a sense of humor climb the corporate ladder faster and make more money in their careers. An industry-wide study of over 2,500 people found that 55% of workers would take less pay to have more fun at work. This means a majority of people would literally take a pay cut for a more light-hearted work environment. Leaders who use humor are perceived as better leaders. Subordinates also report experiencing greater work satisfaction when working with managers who integrate humor in their interactions. Now, you already know many of the other reasons—a lighter environment reduces burnout and turnover. It also fosters better work performance and boosts creative thinking. I won’t bore you with more statistics (that’s what Google is for). Instead, I’ll challenge you to do your own data collection with your staff. Are they having enough fun? Are you? How would your culture define fun? What are three fun memories you’ve had from the workplace? I dare you to share them. And if you can’t think of a one, you may need to call my friends at the Fun Dept. (http://www.thefundept.com/). They think stirring up fun is some serious business—in fact, it IS their business. Ask them about the Tom Jones gig they did for one of my meetings, their famous ice-cream-making team events, or their new book: Playing It Forward. Cutbacks, change efforts, budgets, year-end performance reviews, annual mandatory training, benefits open enrollment, strategy plans, leadership transitions, delivering difficult feedback. C’mon, you deserve and even NEED a little fun to carry you along in the New Year. After all, much of our work benefits from utilizing both our left brains AND our right brains. Those creative right brains can be a threshold to more expansive thinking, can unleash energy to bring to our serious work, and can feel like the exhale following a very big inhale that you’ve been holding too long. So, promote some fun at work this year to help meet those serious goals. I double-dog dare ya!

Here we sit, suspended between Christmas and the New Year, in this reflective week where we straddle 2015 and 2016. Like me, you may find yourself looking backward to inform how you want to move forward in the new year and drafting your resolutions. I haven’t had to reach too far back to find fuel for my first resolution of the new year. Over the past few days, I’ve been recalling my recent holiday interactions with family and friends in particular. In some cases, I’ve spent long stretches of time with some of them and yet not experienced a true connection. In other cases, a quick breakfast or phone call yielded that warm glow that Hallmark reminds us we should feel at this time of year. What made the difference between the two situations? It often boiled down to one thing—which exchanges made me feel seen and cared about? In a world where life can be far too complicated, I look for simplicity, and it’s this simple…who asked “how are you?” and really cared to know? In which exchanges did we really wonder with sincere interest about the other? And who asked simply as an entre for telling me all about how THEY are…or asked but didn’t really listen to my reply–both the words and the emotions. And where was I guilty of the same? This phenomenon isn’t limited to the holidays or our personal lives. All year long, I work with leaders who want to know how to make a difference, how to connect with staff, keep their fingers on the pulse of the organization, boost morale, gain respect, reduce turnover, and communicate value. Seems to me all of that could be helped along by one question in the new year—“how are you?” –delivered sincerely and followed up by a deep listening–the kind of listening that would have you pass the hypothetical pop quiz about their answer. So as you utter the 3 words that usher in 2016 with folks—“happy new year!”–consider following them up with 3 other words—“how are you?”—and then just listen. Their answers may shift from “fine” to something more telling. With this resolution enacted, we’ll be on our way to being more impactful leaders, friends, and family members. (By the way, how are YOU?—I’d love to hear. Really! Oh, yes, and Happy New Year too! )

So what do airplanes and ladders have in common? Well, I’ve made three trips this month so this model is on my mind. It’s called the Ladder of Inference. This model helps us to “think about what we’re thinking”—a good habit to get into. If we look at this ladder *, we see 7 rungs. The first rung reminds us that there is an infinite amount of observable data out there that we could choose to notice about a person or situation. Some of us notice certain things over other things. I have a friend who could always spot a new piece of jewelry or hairstyle on someone. Whereas, I confess to being oblivious to such details. So we each, often quite unconsciously, select data out (rung 2) from that observable data, and it’s what we pay attention to. From there we very quickly climb rungs 3-6 by adding meaning to what we’re noticing, making assumptions, drawing conclusions, and adopting beliefs. These in turn create some action on our part. Yes, we all do it. It’s human nature. So, why did my travels make me think about this model? Let me confess. This particular “ladder” made itself known to me on a flight from Boston to Philadelphia years ago. The plane was full of business travelers as well as students returning from summer camps. I was sitting in a middle seat with my work colleague on the aisle and an empty seat on my right. So, I did what we all do in that situation–whether we’re aware of it or not. I took stock of the passengers coming down the aisle, giving them a mental thumbs up or thumbs down about them becoming my seatmate. The person who paused at our aisle was a tall guy with unkempt curly black hair, leather jacket, ripped jeans, heavy boots and tattoos. So, from that description you now know the data I selected out and noticed. It wasn’t his eye color or the magazine he was carrying. It was his appearance. And so I climbed that ladder of inference pretty quickly in my head (in seconds) and determined that I had nothing in common with this seatmate. In fact, I’d seen folks who looked a lot like him on the evening news making trouble. I concluded I had nothing in common with him. And so, my action (rung 7) was to make no eye contact or conversation and show extreme interest in the book I was reading. But here’s the thing. At times, circumstances become our teachers. In this case, our plane hit an air pocket and did a quick descent. I’m sure it lasted seconds but it felt like minutes… The scene was complete with screaming campers, like something right out of a movie. When things settled down again, I heard a soft voice on my right. It said, “Excuse me, ma’am, may I ask you a question? Is that not normal?” I turned to him and admitted that I traveled a lot and had never had that experience. He replied, “Oh, you see I wouldn’t know. This is my first flight. I’ve always been afraid of flying. But, ya see, my parents are getting up in years, and they’ve always longed to see the foliage in New England. (I swear those were his exact words!). So I had no choice but to drive them safely to New England to explore. But the thing is my baby turns 3 tomorrow, and daddy doesn’t miss his baby’s birthday for anything. So I had no choice but to hop on a plane. “ Now, wait, what just happened? Well, if we go to the bottom of the ladder, some new data just came into my awareness, challenging my earlier assumptions and meaning, and resulting in new action on my part. In fact, I had a new appreciation for this seatmate of mine. Remember that everything from rung 2 thru 6 happens in our heads in a nanosecond. It’s invisible to others. All people see is that something happens, resulting in our action. At times, things like air pockets bring new data into our awareness. At other times, we need to simply step back and be open to seeing things we don’t initially see. It’s the very value of inquiring more before leaping to conclusions, or making our thinking more transparent to keep others from doing the same. And so, that’s what ladders and airplanes have to do with one another. However these ladders are everywhere, including the workplace. Imagine that Bob shows up to a meeting late. In a few seconds flat, you can climb the ladder to some conclusion…he’s casual about time, especially for meetings he doesn’t value, and whose topics don’t interest him… so it’s unlikely he’ll support what you are proposing…he will be a force to be reckoned with, and before you know it you’re getting defensive with Bob. And he has no clue why. Isn’t it possible the poor guy simply stopped by the restroom on his way to your meeting? In more cases than I can count, this simple model has created meaningful reflection and dialogue between 2 parties who were not getting along. Just recently, I used it with two team members who were not getting along. Their issues were creating a ripple through the rest of the team and their client groups. As they made “their ladders” more transparent to each other, the new data created new beliefs about each other and a new possibility for working together. They reflected on it as a breakthrough moment. So, whether it’s airplanes or ladders…they can take us to new heights! If you’re interesting in seeing how the ladder of inference played out between two people sitting in an airport eating cookies, just drop me a note, and I’ll send it your way! *Diagram: Acknowledgement: This model is the work of Chris Argyris, Harvard professor and thought leader. It was highlighted in the book The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook.

I’ve been facilitating a series of executive retreats recently. And at almost every one of them it happens. We open the day, and someone expresses their fear…” oh, man, are we gonna be holding hands and singing” kumbaya”? After doing this work for over 20 years now, it strikes me how few participants fear that a fist fight may break out during the event, but there’s something about the idea of singing “kumbaya” that takes them out of their comfort zone. What is it? Why does it live in us as something to fear? Speedos and bikinis are scarey, but “kumbaya?” What’s the fear born of? Exposing poor singing voices? Hmmm…only a small part of the objection I imagine. Is it the pace of the song? It slows us down. It gets soulful. Is it the idea of feeling exposed? More vulnerable? Its simple words remind us that we are all ONE. It reminds us of a bond. The origin of the song was rooted in the idea that there is strength and power in togetherness and harmony. Yet, it’s come to reflect cynicism and weakness. So, today I’m marveling at this and wondering what would happen if we really did hold hands and hum a few bars of” kumbaya” just before that stressful budget meeting. I’m waiting to meet the group who evolves to the point of initiating holding hands and singing “kumbaya” before we adjourn. What facilitator needs smiley sheets and positive evaluations? This would be better proof of a group having been brought out of their comfort zone and into relationship differently…into a new space. Could “Kumbaya” be the new competitive advantage? Afterall, Einstein said, “ you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” Let’s show everyone how smart we can be and start to sing…from our hearts. (for the record, Brenda has never requested a client group sing kumbaya….but she’s open to that spontaneous possibility)